Katherine Sellery, CEO and Founder of Conscious Parenting Revolution, is a #1 Amazon Best Selling author, 3x TEDx Speaker, Communication expert, trained mediator, certified meditation teacher, conflict resolution specialist, parenting expert, coach, and mom of two. Helping business and family ecosystems thrive for over 20 years.
Katherine is the creator of the Guidance Approach to Parenting, a program that applies conflict resolution skills to communicating more effectively with children. She has positively influenced relationships for generations and brought about healing and reconciliation in families that were suffering from disconnection. For over 20 years, she has taught and coached thousands of parents, educators, social workers, and medical professionals in half a dozen countries through her popular workshops, coaching programs, TEDx talks, 250 page comprehensive training manual, and E-book. Katherine is also a trained mediator, attended Law School, has certifications in different trauma models, teaches a breathing meditation modality with the Art of Living Foundation, and ran her own commodities-trading business in Hong Kong for 30 years.
Katherine is certified by his Institute as a Leadership Effectiveness Training instructor and also certified by the Effectiveness Training Institute of Australia in his Parent Effectiveness model. She is completing her certification training with Dr. Ann Weiser Cornell in Inner Relationship dialogue and also teaches and guides people in how to be with their inner world. After teaching the Gordon and Rosenberg methods for several years, she decided to create her own method with her colleagues Claryss Jamieson and Dr. Porter, author of Children are People Too. Their collaboration birthed the training now known as the Guidance Approach to Parenting.
Share your background and what led you to launch the Conscious Parenting Revolution
It’s pretty eclectic! Studied Poli Sci and History as well as Chinese language in college, moved to Hangzhou, China and taught english at University there right after graduation immersing myself in the local language and culture (it was during China’s Anti-foreigner cultural pollution campaign, I had a full time communist party member assigned to me reporting on my every move at the communist party meetings on Saturday, it was a Kafkaesque experience)!
I went back to the USA after two years to grad school for Law, certified as an advanced mediator, established a commodities trading company in Hong Kong specializing in non-ferrous metals deals with China/Russia/SE Asia/India/SAmerica, set up a factory in Northern China that supplied product for two decades to a US client, and in the midst of all that started my own family that would birth not only our own children but my deepest passion, purpose and the movement I have dedicated my life to, The Conscious Parenting Revolution!
Committed to being the ‘best mom ever’ I started taking every parenting class I could find and beginning in 2003 I certified to teach and became the HK trainer for many of them which gave rise to 20 years of coaching, supporting and training parents, educators, health care providers.
In 2008, along with two colleagues, we wrote the most comprehensive of parenting programs on the market that addresses gaps in other programs, The Guidance Approach to Parenting (GAP).
It integrates Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s NVC (non-violent communication) approach to restorative justice (whom I had the pleasure of training with), Gordon’s PET (a program I taught), Dr. Eugene Gendlin’s Focusing, an approach to inner dialogue that keeps us rooted in self in presence and staying “bigger than what’s bugging us.”
Childhood to Adulthood – How was your transition from childhood to adulthood and what are the bad and good things you remember?
I grew up in a blended family. Both my parents were divorced and had children from their previous marriages and then married and had my sister and I. It was his, hers, ours and a total of 5 of us. I am the youngest.
I reflect on my growing up years and think about the role I play(ed) and how I was cast into that part. The rescuer, the hero, the “good girl”.
There was a lot of joy, adventures, fun and also pain. My dad and his step son (my brother Chris from my mom’s first marriage) didn’t get along. Dad was triggered by Chris and would punish and spank him when he was triggered. I find myself chewing a lot on these deep seated memories. So much harm was done. In the journey to adulthood I sought answers to understand them both. Still hurts to think about their interactions. They were the furthest thing from loving, kind and empathic. So much of my Conscious Parenting Movement is catalyzed to be sure others have more support than dad and Chris had. To do whatever I can to bring the skills necessary that that harm isn’t perpetuated.
My maternal grandmother (who was a complete Auntie Mame, bigger than life, personal hero of mine) would say to my mom (while pointing to me) “she’s the one sweetheart, she’s the one that will take care of you”. I took my job very seriously and in that journey to adulthood eventually learned about “over-responsibility”, codependence, and dysfunctional family dynamics. We had all of that. Unfortunately, none of the adults that surrounded me knew anything about any of these things!
My parents were complex. Of course, they were my teachers. The thing I didn’t have permission and guidance from them to do was to speak my inner truth. I could speak up about all sorts of things, but I learned to hide anything that would upset them and became hyper vigilant of their temperament and learned to focus on how other people felt at the expense of how I was doing. Two of my three TEDx talks really goes deeply into the cost of (1) Surviving and Transcending Unconscious Parenting https://youtu.be/umVLtHhgI50 and (2) From overriding my inner knowing to trusting myself TEDxGEM https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_HrR9oVgnk&t=4s
What is Conscious Parenting?
Conscious parenting focuses on eliminating the 3 R’s retaliation, rebellion, and resistance – from your parenting technique to improve your relationship with your child. This method of parenting is based on the teachings of psychologist Dr. Thomas Gordon and Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, a specialist in conflict resolution.
Conscious parenting teaches parents and kids how to communicate. It’s a compassionate, fair, and effective way of talking to each other.
Katherine Winter-Sellery – Surviving and Transcending Unconscious Parenting https://youtu.be/umVLtHhgI50)
Take us through the process of working with you.
Although every family has its different unique family dynamics, it still remains that 75% of disruptions are due to the 3Rs (retaliation, rebellion and resistance). So supporting parents to get 3 out of 4 issues to disappear is HUGE.
Since the 3Rs are activated by the use of rewards and punishments, power and threats to get kids to change behavior, and it accounts for 75% of it is the first thing we need to shift.
More effective problem solving comes from collaboration, connection and understanding what is underneath or behind resistance.
Somehow power over and controlling forms of discipline have been popular, even though they are and always have been ineffective in creating behavioral change for the reasons we want (out of consideration for someone else’s needs, they choose it (rather than forced to “you made me”), are self motivated to do it (instead of outer motivated).
Creating change for the reasons we want, means the changes are long lasting and not just momentary because of the fear we have managed to create! Change because I am afraid of you or what you are threatening to do to me isn’t satisfying! The cornerstone of the relationship is based on fear and dependence! Hardly the making of a healthy dynamic!
So, I support clearing out the yucky resentment flows that have been created over the years first and then from that new atmosphere and healthy ecosystem an open, honest communication arises. This requires the decision by parents to set aside their judgment of their kids’ behaviors they find objectionable and learn to be the observer. “Observation without evaluation” or “non blameful descriptions of behavior” are the necessary state of mind.
It also requires that we see Children Are People Too! They may be younger than us but they are also only ever trying to meet their needs. Parents learn to checkin with themselves about the environment they are now creating, to be sure it has the ingredients for success because their expectations are developmentally appropriate, that they look through eyes that see children’s capacities to describe what they are experiencing is limited, and that even though it may come out in objectionable ways, it isn’t a punishable offense.
We take a step forward in teaching consideration of one another because we as parents are modeling being considerate of our children’s feelings and needs and they watch and learn. Teaching consideration is a far more challenging skill to learn that obedience and compliance, but we achieve it when we are willing to work toward it.
From overriding my inner knowing to trusting myself | Katherine Winter-Sellery | TEDxGEM
You are looking to launch the Conscious Parenting TV Series. Tell us about your vision.
I’m incredibly excited to be working on this series! In the age of the internet there is so much information out there regarding parenting, and the truth is, not all of it is what I would consider to be good advice or helpful information. In fact, a lot of the things I see and hear will just end up making things worse!
Through real-life examples of family dynamics, this series will demonstrate the power of the Guidance Approach. Each episode will showcase different parent-child challenges, and feature a co-host from a different background, experts from the World Health Organization, and celebrity guests!
Go to freeparentingbook.com to get My Amazon best selling book on 7 Strategies to Keep Your Relationship with your kids from hitting the boiling point
Katherine is available for speaking engagements and podcasts. Some of the topics Katherine covers include:
3 Mistakes Every Parent Makes
90-Day Parenting Reset
Is Video Gaming Taking Over Your Child’s Life?
The Rebellion is Here
Surviving & Transcending Unconscious Parenting
From Overriding My Inner Knowing to Trusting Myself
3xTEDx Speaker
Website: www.consciousparentingrevolution.com/
Facebook: www.facebook.com/consciousparentingrevolution/
Twitter: www.twitter.com/k_wintersellery?lang=en
Instagram: www.instagram.com/katherinewintersellery/?hl=en
Linkedin: www.linkedin.com/in/katherine-sellery
Youtube: www.youtube.com/channel/UC3AmEVaT9wyS-2bgTcWkqGA/playlists
